To have a healthy body, we must also have a healthy mind. These two important things go hand in hand, and you can’t have one without the other. We all have those little parts of ourselves that are holding us back from unlocking our true potential. These toxic behaviours are often ingrained in us from the time we are born and burry themselves deeper and deeper into our psyche as we grow older. When left unchecked and untreated, eventually they prevent us from making any progress at all.
Goal setting is a big part of my life. If you missed the blog on new year goal setting, be sure to check it out here! I enjoy writing things down on paper and working to be able to check those things off my list as I go. While the new year is the most common time to reflect on your accomplishments, I find birthdays are an equally good opportunity to set goals for yourself. With my birthday having just passed, I have taken some time to reflect and set some new goals that I want to achieve in my 31st year of life and this year I am working to eliminate all those toxic things in my life that have been holding me back from being the very best version of myself. As I reflected on this goal, it made me realize that being a Healthy Hick, is not just about nourishing your body with healthy food, it is also about nourishing your soul with healthy thoughts and habits.
We all have a picture in our heads of the person we could be. That perfect version of ourselves that embodies every beautiful thing about us and has a stack of accomplishments beyond our wildest dreams. What if the only thing holding us back from becoming that person is us? What if its nothing more than our toxic behaviours, our shortcomings and our self-sabotage delaying us from achieving true greatness?
Not all toxic behaviours are severe or detrimental at first glance. Some are obvious: Narcissism, Bullying, Violence, Addiction etc. are severe toxic traits that require professional attention. I am talking about the less obvious behaviours that could be holding you back such as: Negative self-talk, caring what others think, procrastination, perfectionism, laziness etc. These things can easily be shrugged off as “not a big deal” and allowed to nestle themselves comfortably into our brain until we don’t even notice that they have ruined our lives.
Let me give you a very personal, very raw example:
My toxic behaviour is caring what others think. It is something that I have become aware of over the course of the past few years but that has obviously become a problem for me quite recently. It causes me severe pain and anxiety when I think that someone is mad at me or if they don’t like me. I also suffer from FOMO so if I am left out it often causes me anxiety and feelings of jealousy. So much so that I have a hard time saying no to people and I will work extra hard to try to get people to like me, bending over backwards and tying myself in knots to be the perfect candidate for the approval of the person or people on the other end of the interaction. As you can imagine this causes me to take on too much, feel immense pressure from those around me and keeps me up at night trying to solve the never-ending equation of how to fit it all in. I often feel paralyzed by the thought that I let someone down or that I am not worthy when I am treated poorly by someone.
There is a group of people in my life that I have been striving to impress for the better part of 10 years. I have done everything in my power to make these people like me from being extra friendly, to being extra helpful, to being extra generous. You name it, I have done it. For 10 years! This group of people has often leaned on me for help, come to me for advice, asked me for favours, and made me a scape goat. And after 10 years of buying gifts, killing them with kindness, being helpful, working for free, giving compliments and generally just sucking up, guess what… THEY STILL DON’T LIKE ME! That is right. After all of that, this group still treats me like I am stupid and worthless, and they make me feel like an outsider every chance they get. I have been laughed at, yelled at, and talked about. And although this says a lot more about them than it does about me, I must admit, it has still made me cry recently. If that is not toxic, I don’t know what is.
I like to think that I am a confident person who works hard to be a good example for the people in my life and the clients who rely on me to help them. I also like to think that I am a worthwhile human being who is nice to people and who has something to offer. However, when I reflect on the past 10 years and the way I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of, left out and put down, I actually like myself less as well because I know that I am better than that. Can you relate?
There are times in our lives when we all end up at a crossroads. A decision needs to be made to move forward. You need to either live with your toxic behaviour and accept it (please don’t choose this road!) or you need to make a change in how you view yourself and how you present yourself to the rest of the world. Easier said than done right? Here is a step-by-step process that I have come up with to help me overcome my toxic behaviour and begin living my best and most productive life. Here are my Steps:
Identify the Problem
Knowledge is power. To begin mending fences you first need to identify where the hole is. This is often the hardest part of working on yourself because the human brain is designed to identify all the ways we are awesome and hide all the ways we are not. This is a defence mechanism put in place thousands of years ago. It is your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe. Ironically, the human brain is an idiot sometimes and needs a little extra help to bypass some of the system errors. This is where we come in! Sit down with a pen and paper and reflect on your week. Ask yourself the following question:
What was one situation that left me feeling bad either about myself or my actions?
After you have identified the situation ask yourself the question “Why” 4 times. By the time you answer the 4th why, you should have an idea of what the toxic behaviour is that you are suffering from.
Let’s come up with a new example here:
What was one situation that left you feeling bad about yourself: I got an F on my English paper because I didn’t hand it in on time.
1. Why Didn’t you hand it in on time? Because it wasn’t finished on time
2. Why Wasn’t it finished on time? Because I had to re-write it the night before
3. Why Did you have to re-write it? Because the original version I wrote was terrible and I thought that my teacher was going to hate it and fail me
4. Why did you think that the teacher would fail you: Because It was not perfect and she holds me to a high standard.
This person’s toxic behaviour is probably perfectionism. They became so paralyzed by fear of failing that they manifested the very thing they feared by doing nothing at all. This is a very common situation that holds people back from reaching their true potential. Now that this person knows what their toxic behaviour is they can begin to work to make it better. They Found the hole, now it’s time to fix that fence!
Create a Positive Affirmation
I was recently listening to a podcast where the host said: “Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business”. These words changed my life because they hit me hard. As a person who has spent a significant amount of time agonizing over what others are saying about me or thinking about me, it is difficult! Looking back at the situation I explained above, People will have their own opinion of me and they are going to say what they want to say about me and I cannot control their behaviour or their thoughts and feelings. So, I can see now that it is not happening to me, it is just happening. These people are living their lives in the way they see fit and I am not a part of their best life. Try not to take it personally (easier said than done haha!) This has become my positive affirmation lately and I repeat it to myself often.
To overcome your toxic behaviour, create a mantra and repeat it to yourself all day long. Leave it in a note on your mirror, write yourself a lunch bag note that you will find in the middle of your day. Make it the background on your phone. Put it everywhere! The more you see it and repeat it, the more you will start to believe it.
If your toxic behaviour is Procrastination your positive affirmation could be: “The Best way to get something done is to begin.”
Put it off until Later
You know when a toxic thought pops in your head randomly and it just continues to nag at you for the rest of your day until you have thought of every negative thing that could possibly happen? To overcome your toxic behaviour you need to take control of it. You can
take control of it by putting it in a box. Choose when you are going to address your toxic behaviour. If your toxic behaviour is being paralyzed by fear, put that fear in a box and only bring it out when you choose to. Pick a specific time of day (maybe in the morning after you have had your coffee but before you have started getting ready for work) and set aside 15 minutes. This 15 minute is going to be dedicated to allowing yourself to think of all of your fears and address them one by one. For the entire rest of the day, each time one of these thoughts pops in your head address it by saying to yourself “Okay I am having a fearful thought, I am going to put it in my box and address it in the morning during my thinking time” Move on with your day.
This will be a challenge at first but eventually you will have a much easier time controlling your thoughts and not allowing them to run amok. An additional benefit of this practice, is that often times, with practice, when the time comes to sit down and think of all your fears, you don’t feel as scared of them anymore and you can easily quiet your mind into a more meditative state.
Use The Buddy System
The buddy system is a tried and true method designed to keep you safe and out of
harms way. Safety in numbers is not only for physical danger but for emotional danger also. A good buddy can keep you accountable to doing the hard work and can help pull you out of the darkness when things are getting hard.
There is a quote that I hate: Keep quiet about your goals. When you smash them you can clap for yourself. I want you to do the opposite of this. Saying a goal out loud to another person who cares about you creates instant accountability and a team for you to lean on when things are hard. Be picky about who you tell, but tell someone. Then set up scheduled times to update this person on how things are going.
Get A Therapist
I am also a big fan of therapy. So this is the place in the blog that I remind you that
if you do find one of your traits to be one that you could use some extra help with, find a therapist in your area or even online through www.betterhelp.ca for a virtual therapist. There is a stigma around mental health and therapy in this country that is completely unwarranted, and it needs to be brought to light. Therapy is not only extremely helpful in managing negativity but can also help you to embrace all the great parts of your life too. Nowadays you can do your therapy over the phone or online most times and you don’t even need to go into an office!
Find Your Awesome
Finally, make a list of all the reasons why you rock! Everyone has things about them that are amazing, And I can say that about all of you too. You are worthwhile, interesting, and good human beings who have something to offer, and your toxic behaviour is that thing that takes all of that away from you. Don’t let it take all your amazing traits away from you. Make a list of the things you have to offer and the things you are great at and put it right up next to your mantra. Remember, we all have toxic traits, but we all also have something to offer.
Let me make one thing clear: these behaviours are affording you something. Whether it be protection from feelings of disappointment or comfort in your safe zone or even a wall to keep between you and the big scary world out there, your toxic behaviours are there for a reason and they are affording you something. Changing those behaviours and letting go of the wall that they have built up around you is not easy. It is really hard, and it takes courage and commitment. I encourage you to sit down, do the hard thinking and find what your toxic behaviours are. Come up with a plan of action to help you get them under control before they take an even deeper root in your mind. And remember to always reach out for help if you feel like the situation is out of your control. We are here to help, your friends and family are there to help and there are professionals there to help as well.
I hope that this year, you can tackle your toxic behaviours and take the necessary steps to continue living your best and healthiest life both physically and mentally.
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